Domestic Violence: Does it run in the family?

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“Domestic abuse is not always about violence, it’s about control. Anything that your partner does to restrict your personal freedom, or that makes you afraid, could be an indication of domestic abuse.” (About.com: What is domestic abuse?)

This was the best definition I found regarding what domestic abuse is. Often times there is the thought that domestic abuse only comes in the form of physical violence but it has become evident over time how untrue that thought is. Many times abusers gain control in other areas before the physical abuse even begins. Being aware of the traits of an abuser can help you figure out where a relationship can possibly lead. Below demonstrates the most common ways that abusers abuse their victims:

Psychological and Emotional control:
-Overprotective/possessiveness/extreme jealousy
-Control over your relationships with other people and speaks negatively about them
-Keeps you close (prevents you from going places, controls where you go and who you go with.)
-Humiliates you in from of others
-Name calling
-Yelling
-Put you down/slurs
-Constant criticism or undermines your abilities as a (parent, partner etc.)

Since many people are not aware that their partners are abusers when they meet them they don’t recognize the early warning signs of an abuser. The way the majority of human beings get to know each other is through communication and being aware of how a person speaks to you and about you can be a great way to understand how they are. If they are verbally abusive from the beginning there is a big chance that they will become abusive in other ways as well. A common piece of advice frequently given to women in my family before becoming serious with a man is to see him when he’s upset and see how he responds.
For instance, if you’re in a car with him and it breaks down on the side of the road, does he:
A. Calmly and rationally begin to call or wave down help and is patient in waiting?
Or
B. Scream obscenities and beat the mess out of his car?

You’d be surprised how tense situations like these can tell you about a person. Also, if you realize that you don’t see your family and friends as often as you used to since you began dating your new mate and the mere mention of wanting to hang out with them (either alone or with your new mate) bothers him and all his reasons are because of what he doesn’t like about them; that should set off an alarm for you. An abuser is overprotective and wants to be able to control your relationships as a way to get you all to themelves. They also beat up on your self-esteem by making you feel bad about yourself (even if what they say is untrue). The use of name calling, hateful words and embarrassing you in public is an outward display of power and control.
It has been said that one of the most important things a man wants is to be respected even more than being loved. But abusers don’t necessarily need a reason to treat you badly. A woman does not have to disrespect an abusive man for him to treat her badly. Abusers will often use love to get back into the hearts of their abused partner therefore the victims of abuse may equate being abused with being loved. There is a cycle which is common of abusers in the area of emotions. (My “blogmate” Jessica will cover that cycle in her post).

Economic control
-Deny access to family assets (bank accounts, credit cards, car)
-Controls finances (forces you to account for the money you spend and if they allow you to work they may take what you make)
-Prevents you from getting or keeping a job or going to school.

An abuser can gain control using finances so that their victim has no choice but to fully depend on them for survival and even more so if there are children involved. An abuser may lay claim as the provider and therefore take full control over the household finances leaving the victim begging them for money and giving reasons as to why they need the money awaiting the abusers’ approval. Abusers don’t want their victim to be independent and will prevent them from working or furthering their education possibly in fear that their victim will become self-sufficient and leave them.

Makes threats:

-To harm or kidnap kids
-using looks, actions and gestures to threaten
-by displaying weapons directly to make you afraid
of exposing sexual orientation (in homosexual relationships) to those who don’t know
-To report you to INS or immigration; or authorities (DSS, Police etc.) for something you didn’t do.

An abuser will incite fear in their victim by using direct or indirect threats to the health and well being of their victim and well as the victims loved ones. Abusers feed off of being aware of your secrets and fears so that they can manipulate you to do as they want.

Physical violence
-Threats to harm you or those you love (family, kids, pets etc.)
-Destroy personal property
-Grab, push, kick, slap, choke, bite etc.
-Forced to have sex when you don’t want to or to do things you don’t want to do.
-Deny you access to food, fluids or sleep

The misuse of traditional gender roles has helped form the idea that a “real man” is expected to “control” his woman.” In the past, a slap here and there was a way that a man kept his woman “in check” and it was generally seen as a normal thing to do. When the authorities would receive complaints by women who were being abused they considered it a “family issue” and not a criminal issue and would not get involved. For that reason domestic disputes weren’t considered as violence or as a crime (www.clarkprosecutor.org). The aforementioned forms of abuse are able to be somewhat hidden compared to physical abuse. Generally because marks and bruises are left behind after physical abuse, it has become the most identifiable form of abuse and therefore has garnered the most attention. I don’t know of any stories of abuse that begin with physical violence so being aware of the other forms of domestic violence is important because they may be able to prevent the physical level of abuse from happening.

Now that domestic violence has been defined and you get the general idea of what it can consist of, the area I have chosen to research is whether or not domestic violence “runs in the family”. If a child witnesses a domestic abuse relationship, are they likely to follow the same pattern of abuse in their lives as adults (as being the abuser or being the abused)? There is a fine line here so I won’t go too deep since my “blogmate” Amanda will be writing about the affects of domestic abuse on children.

Whether abuse runs in the family has yet to be thoroughly studied so there wasn’t much information besides the idea that children follow the example that is set by their parents and it doesn’t matter if the example is good or bad. My initial thoughts about whether domestic violence “runs in the family” were that it does actually spiral down because with my own eyes, I’ve seen it happen. But also, my eyes have witnessed situations in which the abuse didn’t spiral down. So I began wondering if the amount of exposure or the severity and duration of the abuse had anything to do with whether it became a family pattern. I also wondered if becoming an abuser had anything to do with the individual temperament of a child and the sex of the child. My own brother followed the pattern of domestic abuse in his own relationships (with siblings and adult mates). According to About.com, “Boys who see their fathers beat their mothers are ten times more likely to be abusive in their adult intimate relationships.” What I did find was that as children, after the abuse ended in my household between my parents, my brother almost immediately began to act out and find himself in trouble at home, in school and eventually with the law and this has escalated as he grew older. However, I never found myself in a domestic abuse relationship as the abuser or as the victim. I believe this had a lot to do with the fact that I was (a year) younger than my brother and although I would infrequently hear my parents’ muffled arguments behind closed doors I don’t remember witnessing the violence first hand but he does. I was however more affected by the separation than the violence.

“Those boys who witness their fathers’ abuse of their mothers are more likely to inflict severe violence as adults. Data suggests that girls who witness maternal abuse may tolerate abuse as adults more than girls who do not. These negative effects maybe diminished if the child benefits from intervention by the law and domestic violence programs.” (About.com)

What I’ve concluded about my brother is that even though he witnessed the abuse, if his early violent beginnings had been addressed, he may not have become an abuser and could have likely avoided a life of violent crime as well. Children who witness domestic violence in their home “grow up learning that it’s okay to hurt other people or let other people hurt them.” (About.com) Research shows that girls are more likely as women to become a victim of domestic violence if the witness their mother’s being beaten. I didn’t find anything that said whether it was likely for women to become abusers and men to become the abused after witnessing domestic abuse as children



Dionne Spencer
Jessica Sewell
Amanda Wing
Trecia Mayo
Julia Morin