Dating after
divorce is a natural thing and becoming commonplace today since nearly half of
all marriages are ending at an alarming rate in the US. The decision to start dating is followed
closely by the dilemma of deciding what is an appropriate ‘break’ before
beginning to date again. How it affects the children is a major concern.
Partnering can
happen pretty quickly since a divorcee tends to start dating usually within one
year of separation if desiring to be in a new or committed relationship again.
This can become problematic with children having to see mom or dad with a new
partner. How do parents go about bringing their new love interest into the home
in way that is healthy for the children? Separation is an emotional thing for
both parents and kids. Sensitivity to the fact that the children may not be
ready when the parent is aching to date must be on the front burner. Parents
may turn to books and other resources for advice that tell them to tread
lightly and most likely not introduce their children to their new love
interest. If one decides to have the
child meet the new person they are dating, introducing them as a friend and
waiting to see their reaction has been advised by some dating help books. Helping
children not to be overstressed is the goal while managing ones own feelings in
a new relationship. This leads to parents downplaying the intimacy with their
new partners in front of the children.
Repartnering Experience
|
< 60 days post filing
|
1 year post filing
|
Number of total
partners
|
1.21 (1.58)
|
2.05 (1.93)
|
Number of casual
partners
|
0.92 (1.38)
|
1.47 (1.69)
|
Number of serious
partners
|
0.29 (0.46)
|
0.58 (0.55)
|
Transitions Index
|
0.97 (1.12)
|
2.47 (2.04)
|
Table: Mean
number of relationships and relationship transitions experienced as a function
of time since filing for divorce (standard deviation in parenthesis) (Anderson
et al 2004)
Parents wanting
to get back into the dating game often have little information on how to go
about dating and manage being a good parent in this new transition. Society’s thinking may put pressure on the
divorcee to start searching for a new love interest soon after separation. Younger
divorcees have a more selective market when it comes to dating. The pressure to get out there while the getting
is good seems to be the prevailing mindset from friends and online dating sites. Still, in the excitement of it all is the tension
of being a good parent while trying to meet the need of ones desires. Parents
who choose to expose the children to their new partners more often than not
eventually introduce them to a second partner within the first year of filing for
divorce. Only about 16% of parents end up engaged or remarried. (Anderson et al
2004)
Parents have to
make difficult decisions about when and how to prepare their children when they
decide to move on and start a new relationship with someone besides mom or dad.
While the parent is dating they will
have to factor in their role modeling for their child.
Questions?
Do you think
parents should be transparent when it comes to dating?
Is there a
perfect time to start dating after separating?
When should the
child meet the new partner?
Sources:
Edward,
R., Greene, S., Walker, L., Malerba, C., Forgatch, M., & DeGarmo, D.
(2004). Ready to Take a Chance
Again: Transitions into Dating Among Divorced Parents. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 40 (3/4), 61-74.
doi:10.1300/j087v40n03_04
Chaline Thande
Megan Clarke
Rosie Nelson
Izzy Lawrence
I think that when a parent is dating after a divorce they should be open and honest with their children and let them know that you are seeing other people depending on how old the children are. If they are older (teenager) and you don't inform them they could get mad and feel like you were lying to them and that they cant trust you so you don't want to keep them in the dark. Also, I agree that if the child is younger you should down play your relationship with the person and just slowly introduce them so they can get to know each other without the child feeling like this new person is trying to take over their other parent's spot.
ReplyDeleteI feel that you shouldn't introduce the person you are dating to your children until you figure out what you want out of the relationship and if you think it is going to last. You don't want to keep introducing them to every single person you date.
I don't think there is any perfect time to start dating after a separation because not everyone moves on at the same time. Some people need more time to deal with the life change of not being married anymore before they even think of dating again. Everyone is different.
Thanks Jessica, I agree with you. There isn't a perfect time to introduce your children. I guess you have to know your child and the person you are in relations with and discern what feels right.
DeleteChaline
I agree with Jessica, I think that honesty is the best policy in terms of dating after a divorce, situationally. To me, depending on how the child dealt with the divorce with the other parent is a major factor in this. If they took it hard and are not doing well emotionally, the last thing a parent should do is bring a new relationship into the house or even mention a new relationship at all. But in the case of the child being extremely young, it's different as well. After my aunt and my uncle divorced back in 2001, it wasn't too long after that my aunt started to bring prospects around the house, where her three year old son would be. Because of his age, it wasn't too drastic of a change for him because he had no idea what was going on, whereas an adolescent/teenager would automatically draw their own conclusions about the newly acquired relationship and start to feel invaded or resentful towards the dating parent. It is all case based- the parent is expected in this situation to make the right decision and know what is best for the child's well being.
ReplyDeleteI think there is no real perfect time to start dating after getting separated or divorced from your partner. It really depends on each person and how they feel about moving on to someone else. For some people they can start dating another person within a month of breaking up with their spouse and feel totally comfortable with it. but in other situations it can take the person a lot longer like maybe a couple years before they start seeing other people. It really depends on the individual.
ReplyDeleteAs for telling the children and what the right time is, I think the right time to tell them or have them meet the other person would be when the parent knows that they are really serious about their new partner and that there is a good chance that they will be sticking around for a long time or maybe even forever. but if the parent is unsure about whether or not they are going to be with the new person for a long time, then it is probably best if the children aren't introduced to the new partner. The children should also have an idea of what the new person is like by having their parents talk to them about the person before they meet them. they shouldn't just go in cold turkey meeting them for the first time without having any information about them.
-Anjali Lappin
In the end you want your children to be happy as well.
ReplyDeleteChaline
I also agree with Jessica. There is no perfect time to start dating after a divorce. I think when the heart is ready again, then it is ready. I do not think you can rush those types of things. These types of things differ from person to person. I also do not think that a parent should deny themselves of love because of a child, however honesty is the best policy. I think if a child is particularly taking the divorce hard perhaps dating should be prolonged a bit. However, if it is something the parent is set on, then I agree with deciding where the relationship will go before bringing in the children. I also feel that it depends on the age of the child, younger children tend to get attached while older children or teens can get angry. I think this was a really great post and it is interesting to see everyones' similar viewpoints!
ReplyDelete-Alexandria Cruz