Domestic Violence: Why Does the Abused Stay in an Abusive Relationship

Trecia Mayo, Jessica Sewell, Dionne Spencer, Julia Morin and Amanda Wing

It can be difficult for many people to understand why a person would stay in an abusive relationship. Whether it’s a heterosexual or homosexual relationship, a male victim or a female victim, sufferers of domestic violence choose to stay, return to an abusive relationship or remain silent for many reasons. Strong emotional and psychological forces keep the victim tied to the abuser. Sometimes situational realities like a lack of financial resources keep the victim from leaving. The reasons for staying vary from one victim to the next, and they usually involve several factors.

Emotional reasons for staying

· belief that the abusive partner will change because he shows remorse and promises to stop battering

· fear of the abuser who threatens to kill the victim if abuse is reported to anyone

· insecurity about living alone

· lack of emotional support

· guilt over the failure of the relationship

· attachment to the partner

· fear of making major life changes

· feeling responsible for the abuse

· feeling helpless, hopeless and trapped

· belief that she is the only one who can help the abuser with his problems

· not wanting to abandon partner like other members of family may have

· relationship with inlaws

Situational reasons for staying

· economic dependence on the abuser

· fear of physical harm to self or children

· fear of emotional damage to the children who need two parents, even if one is abusive

· fear of losing custody of the children because the abuser threatens to take the children if victim tries to leave

· lack of occupational skills

· social isolation and lack of support because abuser is often the victim’s only support system

· lack of information regarding community resources

· belief that law enforcement will not take her seriously

· lack of alternative housing

· language barrier or immigration status

· cultural or religious constrains

Issues specific to women

Women, in particular, can experience hesitant and contradictory feelings and thoughts about the abusive partner and the relationship. These are some common reactions of the victim toward the abuser’s behavior and actions that can keep the woman in the relationship:

· feels emotionally attached to the abuser, but also feels anger toward him which she denies

· is grateful toward abuser for small acts of kindness and tends to explain away his violence

· is very attentive to the abuser’s needs with the mistaken belief that she will be able to anticipate his needs and prevent the beatings

· believes that the abuser will change

· believes that he needs her and feels guilty about leaving him

· believes he's a good father to their children

· husband of boyfriend holds a position of status; wanting to protect his reputation

Issues specific to men

· societal disbeliefs concerning battered men

· gender role conditioning: Most men are still taught to be the protector  provider of the family and to leave would be abandoning his family and admit failure

· believing that is wife is “sick” and /or needs his help; the idea of leaving can thus produce feelings of guilt

· he may feel her abuse is caused by emotional personality, PMS or other hormone fluctuations

Issues specific to gay couples

· belief there is no help or fear that possible resources will have a homophobic response or dismiss or minimize the situation

· fear of having to come out to get help

· belief that the abuser will out him to families

· feeling of shame related to being gay, bisexual, transgender

· if HIV-positive fear of becoming sick and dying alone

· fear of dating because of HIV diagnosis

· fear of HIV status being disclosed to friends, family and employer

Questions:

In my research I did not find any data on why the abused stays in a lesbian relationship? Why do you think there is such little information available about this group?

Given the scarcities of adequate housing for heterosexual battered women what are the chances of  GLBTQ individual finding adequate housing? Do you think this will ever change?

Reference:

   http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/why-do-abused-victims-stay-2/

http://www.heart-2heart.ca/women/PRW-page4.htm

http://www.livestrong.com/article/107185-men-stay-abusive-relationship/

http://www.enddomesticabuse.org/abused_men.php?gclid=CLHX5u6p5bMCFQ-e4Aod3G8Axw

http://www.valleyoasis.org/_notes/abuse_same_sex_pdf

http;//www.loveisrespect.org

http://www.soencouragement.org/whymenstay.htm